Dear Conan for the X-Box 360,

Dude, I get what you're trying to do with your recent X-Box 360 game.  You say Big Pimp Daddy Kratos killin' fools and gettin' down with the digital wenches and you were all, like, "I can so do that.  I invented that."  And so a game was made for the 360 (territory that will always be untrodden by the Ghost of Sparta) wherein you kill some fools and get down with digital wenches.  But, by Crom, is it a big bag o' fail.

First of all - and this should be a new videogame rule - only God of War can be God of War, okay?  I don't care if you think that your character is a bigger badass (trust me, he's not) or your graphics prettier (I'm looking at you, Heavenly Sword), there is no way that you're going to improve upon the gameplay of GoW, so stop trying.  Just go and do something else.  Stop with the complex combos and counters and quick-time events because you're just going to fuck it up.

So how did you, Conan, fuck up?  Alright, let's talk about gameplay first.  It's a mess.  Combos, while brutal, are unintuitive and hit or miss in terms of control.  The buttons I'm pressing don't seem to have much to do with what you're doing on screen - except in the most general sense that I'm pressing the "Hit with Sword" button and you do, indeed "Hit with Sword".  But I'm trying to do the combo where you stab the guy in the neck then kick him in the nads, and you're doing the one with the triple lux.  This doesn't work for me.

Also, dude... you jump like you're in a bouncy castle.  Seriously.  Your jump is floaty and imprecise.  This wouldn't be so bad if you weren't completely useless in the air and you didn't insist on having stupid, stupid, awful platforming sections (with QTEs and horrible camera angles, no less).  You make me hate the jump button - which is sad because the jump button is a perfectly good button and is in no way at fault for your idiocy.

All this would be forgiven if you weren't such a complete pussy.  You die far too often.  And, dammit, it isn't just my fault.  Let me explain something - when Kratos dies, it's because there are so many enemies that they pile on him and just, like, suffocate him to death.  When Dante dies, it's because he's got 1,657 swords sticking out of him.  When Snake dies, it's because someone detonated a nuclear warhead in his face.

When you die, it's because some useless wanker in the Generic Ancient Militia looks at you funny.  Barbarians are not supposed to be frail, dammit.

Which brings me to another point.  Your incredible wussitude is compounded by the fact that every Tom, Dick and Harry in Fantasyburg seems to be better trained than you.  Oh, sure, they only have one combo- but that combo is uninterruptable, has a counter window so small it might as well not be there and, oh yeah, the finisher is unblockable.  EVERY SINGLE GUY.  And then, and then, they send the dudes with knives on their shields.  The guys have knives on their shields that hurt you when you hit them. First of all, WTF? How does that work? No, really, if you're swinging your sword at their shield and you end up stabbed in the chest, then YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!  Secondly, who puts fucking knives on their fucking shield?

And don't get me started on bosses.  They're cheap, the battles are extended by multiple enemy life bars and periods of invincibility.  The methods for killing them are clear as mud and incredibly buggy.  This is compounded by the fact that the fuckers inflict lots and lots and lots of unblockable damage and every one of them has side bullshit you have to take care of WHILE BEING ATTACKED.  They are also very, very ugly.  And not in the good way, either.  These are the set piece battles - they should be a cut above everything else visually.  Instead, they just come across as sloppy and badly-thought-out.  Except, I guess, the dead mammoth.  That one was kind of cool.  But the rest of them are fucking ugly.

By the way, Conan, you, too, are fugly.  Christ almighty are you fugly.   I mean, I can't tell, is that a skin condition or is everyone in Very Ancientland just dying of influenza?  That's the worst skin texture I've seen in a long, long time.  Your malaise seems to extend to every other poor creature in the entire world. Everything just looks strange and dirty and lumpy.  There's just nothing appealing here.  Character models are ugly and the underlying designs are boring.  I mean, I never thought I'd get tired of videogame boobs, but, yes, if the boobs are this ugly, I'd really rather skip them.  By the way, can the females in Long Long Agoistan just not afford shirts?  Please cover them up.  And gag them.  I've had it up to here with the chirpy bimbos and their juvenile come-ons that sound like they were written by a twelve-year-old.

So, let's talk about the sound and voice-acting.  Let's also talk about how sometimes, the sound just stops.  No music, no voice, no real reason other than, you know, general bugginess.  But that's almost a good thing because, man, do you all sound stupid.  The standard lunkhead fantasy lines I was expecting.  It comes with the territory.  What really throws me is that you all sound American.  What the Hell is up with that?  I mean, okay, I'm not saying that you all need to sound British (BTW, why is the default accent for "ancient times" always British regardless of location and time-frame?).  But, you know, maybe a nice hilarious Greek accent, or something Germanic with lots of macho.  Or something, anything!  As it is, the contemporary 'Mercan accent is just jarring and silly.  As for your music, well, it's nice of you to remix the God of War theme (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ3yrT40C-c) over and over again, but, you know, I'm wondering whether you want to piss Kratos off like that.  Oh, who am I kidding?  You've already stolen everything else from GoW.  Why not this?

I'm going to keep playing your game 'cause, hell, I've already suffered this long.  But, boy, you are one unlovely son of a bitch, Conan.  That high-pitched whine you hear?  That's Robert E. Howard spinning in his grave.

Okay, okay, one last thing, since we're talking about games with violent lunkheads.  You know who needs a fucking game?  Brock Sampson.  I mean, okay, technically it would have to be a Venture Brothers game, but you know and I know that Hank, Dean and Rusty are completely useless and any Venture Bros game would basically be Brock Sampson stabbing people in the neck.  It would be awesome.  First, a few hundred of the Monarch's henchmen.  Then break the neck of every member of Baron Underbheit's army. Eviscerate a few Guild of Calamitous Intent agents and then, then a climactic four-way battle with Iggy Pop, Klaus Nomi and David Bowie, with Brock wearing nothing but the spilled blood of his enemies.  All set to a soundtrack of pure, unadulterated Led Zeppelin!  Oh, yeah! 

That is the level of badassery you should have aspired to, Conan.  But you fail.  You fail so hard.

Love,

Monkey

P.S.  Developers - please stop trying to copy God of War.  Please?

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Rez drinking game

I'm pretty sure you're supposed to play Rez HD really high, but I don't really do hard drugs, so instead I'm just playing on beyond mode and drinking.

This is a game because it fucking gets harder when you drink.

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