An open letter to Seth Rogan, Ellen Page, and Michael Cera

Dear Sirs and Madame, I wish to thank you for the hours of entertainment and general lulz you have brought to me and my loved ones. Your writing and performance, respectively, has in the past caused me to crap my pants, figuratively. For these reasons, in addition to your collective adorableness, I wish to extend to each of you the opportunity to join me in an open relationship. I realize it is customary to declare one's love for another by proposing a marriage between two people. However, I am of the opinion that in these progressive times that marriage serves no functional purpose in our society. Also, I am kind of slutty. Please take as much time as you require to consider my proposal and contact me when convenient. I thank you for your time and look forward to our future relationship. Sincerely, Champagne Beck