Transformers 3
Although I haven't seen TF2, I've read enough reviews containing the 'plot' to know what happens. I understand it's not a movie in the sense that there is a story that somehow connects you from point A to D, so I don't feel weird about what I'm going to do next. I'm going to tell you what's up for Transformers 3: Return of the Primes (which I'm making up as a title). Blah blah blah explosions/stupid jokes/explosions/tits until the end when 1) Optimus Prime dies. 2) Giving Sam the last piece of the Allspark. 3) Everything is all but lost (including a special moment when Ultra Magnus, in an attempt to rip out Megatron's heart says, 'Open, damnit, OPEN!') 4) When Sam takes in the Allspark, saying to Mikela: 'Sorry' 5) Mikela screams: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (It will be her only line in the movie) 6) Then to Stan Bush's The Touch, (the original, not that abominable re-creation) Sam turns into RODIMUS PRIME. 7) And proceeds to Save the Motherfuckin' Day. (Which is why the Transformers in Transformer heaven sent Sam back; and Optimus keeps going on about Sam's destiny and all that other bullshit. Sam is Neo, except he becomes a machine.) That's why the Transformers films focused on the humans instead of, you know, the awesome giant robots blowing everything the fuck up. It'll be Bay laughing at all of us because suddenly those first two piece of shit movies will have subtext and be about something: Man's transformation from boy to godlike robot that StMFD. This of course is a metaphor for how we need to lose ourselves in technology or perish. So in addition to demonstrating that Bay knows how to arrange a narrative arc, fanboys all over will forgive him because of Rodimus, and The Touch. (They shouldn't, but they will.) When this happens; I want credit.
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29 commentsReplies
Bustie said, (256 days ago)
This will never happen. And it saddens me because, well, your movie is so much better than Bay's movies and actually improves them retroactively.
Superion said, (256 days ago)
I apologize for the links all making this a mess.
@Hatshepsut; thank you.
@rethwyll--It's truly the only thing that makes sense.
@Combustible; Exactly. It's the kind of ending that is so absurd that it's perfect.
Of course, if they'd done the movies my way to begin with, they wouldn't need this insanity.
Bustie said, (256 days ago)
@Superion: Like where the robots have actual faces and don't look like someone put a toy car in a blender?
Or where the entire script is a series of explosions?
Or where it was about the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS and not Shia TheBeef?
Superion said, (256 days ago)
Q1: yes.
Q2: No, but the explosions will actually propel plot from one crazy sequence to the next. It will go: fight scene, explosion, holy shit we have to fight again.
But, you know, choreographed, and with at least a tenuous thread chaining things together.
Q3: Yes + no. A human is necessary for purposes of non-TF geek entrance into the franchise. But every. single. moment. of plot that doesn't relate to giant fucking robots would be eliminated. No Megan Fox being stupid hot. No college. No pot brownies, dogs fucking, high school parties none of that shit. Just: these are the good robots. These are the bad robots. And Megatron with a giant goddam arm cannon.
/I got nothing against Shia.
rink said, (256 days ago)
this is what i have contributed to every single transformers conversation i've been in recently (i have not seen either of the transformers movies, but i've heard about how awful the second one is): ROBOBALLS.
Namrok said, (256 days ago)
I'll say this. I really wasn't feeling how bloodthirsty Optimus was in this movie. He was pulling off God of War like moves and taunts. But oh well, that's probably just me.
Superion said, (256 days ago)
I longingly pine for the days where that line doesn't exist in an action film.
Skanko said, (256 days ago)
why would you say something like that in a movie that is really directed more towards families than hardcores? just seems dumb
Bustie said, (256 days ago)
There's really no logical reason that line should be used by anyone, anywhere, for any reason.
Namrok said, (256 days ago)
The only thing that could have made that scene any better was if they were playing AC/DC's "Big Balls"
rethwyll said, (256 days ago)
I don't know why you'd say that in any movie that wasn't gay porn.
You mean it isn't?!? *tears up ticket*
Bustie said, (256 days ago)
The next Michael Bay movie will just be two hours of a tank humping a fighter plane while the world explodes.
0MARCLEPINEWASRIGHT0 said, (256 days ago)
you forgot the part where Megan Dog runs out in the middle of the big fight t tell Shia that she was born a man, and Shia tells Bumblebee to step on him, but he won't do it
so Megatron does it
Prime says 'thank you, i've been waiting for that for far too long. . .lets take over earth together!"
Prime and Megatron shake hands
then Skid and Mudflap perform their latest single "transformers 4: revenge of autotune"
I think you'd deserve it. :)