My view on the friend zone.
What kind of women put guys into the friend zone?
None.
Women don't put guys in the friend zone, guys put themselves into the friend zone with their behavior.
When most guys first meet girls, they act like the non-threatening nice guy friend because they don't want to offend her or scare her off. That's how guys end up in the friend zone. Let her know that you aren't the "friend guy" by not acting like the "friend guy."
If you act like like a friend for the large majority of knowing someone then launch into "I want in your pants" they'll be like, "Wait, what? I thought we were friends because you've been acting like a friend since we met."
When you are interested in a girl, state your intentions. I don't mean explicitly like, "I want in your pants asafp." Let her know that you see her as more than a friend. Do it as soon as possible so it's less likely that she'll only see you just as a friend. Flirt with her. Call her "sexy" instead of "cute." Engage in physical contact. Stuff like that. Don't be afraid to offend her with your sexuality. Now, I don't mean whip out your penis and smack her across the face with it, but acknowledge the fact that you are a sexual creature and that you find her attractive. Don't be afraid of being a man, and don't apologize for it either. You know you're a guy and so does she. So act like it.
If she's not into you, she's not into you. If she says "let's just be friends," only be friends if you can honestly be a friend. Be her friend, don't be the guy sticking around with an ulterior motive "just in case." You're just going to end up harboring some deep seeded resentment for her for not choosing you and ending up with people who you feel are substandard because they aren't you.
And no, you're not going to friend your way into a relationship. "Maybe after 5 years of confiding in me she'll realize what a great person I am and she'll love me." Not gonna happen. That only works in movies and maybe 2% of reality- and those odds suck. So put yourself out there. If you get rejected, oh well, that sucks but you'll get over it.
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27 commentsReplies
Garak said, (85 days ago)
ok, there is much truth to what you say (as i, myself, am an oft-victim of the friend zone situation)
HOWEVER
i think like many things, this is your opinion, and a generalization.
for example: you wind your statement up by saying "don't think you'll ever friend your way into a relationship....maybe after five years," etc. But, while i would imagine it's rare, it happens. I know someone who has had this happen to them. They were really good friends for 10 years. Now they've been dating for nearly a year.
also, I will be honest and say that I am the type of person/of the mind that i don't know if i wanna date anyone until i know them a little bit. within that amount of time, it is very easy to get "friend zoned", absolutely, no doubt about it.
BUT...i just don't feel comfortable going "hey, you're hot and i'd like to see you naked, how about it?" i have to feel comfortable with the person. is that my own cross to bear, as they say? maybe, yeah, i guess.
but while i think it's easy to spot someone from across the room and go "holy shit, she/he is gorgeous", it's much harder to determine if they're anyone you'd want to spend any amount of time and emotional investment in.
i mean, if i went on the "wow, she's hot" factor alone, i'd pretty much be trying to date 3/4 of the free world
Garak said, (85 days ago)
i realize this is, as you say, "your view on the friend zone" - and i both respect it and think you make some salient points.
just chipping in my two cents.
GX said, (85 days ago)
I'm going on record as saying that I have put numerous guys in the friend zone right off the bat only to sleep with them later.
Sarah von Pantyhose said, (85 days ago)
Oh HI, I put guys in the friend zone. I put cute, ambitious, lovely guys in the friend zone. and no, I don't date women.
H55 said, (85 days ago)
Hmm...similarly, did you hear about the article in the NY Observer yesterday about how what "all" women want now is Don Draper, the alpha dog ass from Mad Men?
Centropomus said, (85 days ago)
Some women have a friend zone. Some women don't. Some have a small one. Men who tend to go for women on one end of the spectrum have a skewed view.
0guninnayouface0 said, (85 days ago)
yes, yes, the key is to state your intentions in the first place
the other key, is that when you find out the feelings are not mutual you must excommunicate IMMEDIATELY
no "maybe she'll come around"
that's generally referred to as stalking.
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@Garak: I appreciate your comments as I love to hear differing views on topics. I also appreciate you recognizing this as my views and didn't launch into why I'm [negative adjective].
I guess I should have elaborated on friendship->relationship some more.
I totally agree with the idea of friendships growing into a mature relationship I've witnessed them too. As you said it happens way down the line. I don't think it's impossible, it's just highly unlikely and I don't imagine those people with the 10 year friendship started off those 10 years with the active plan and purpose of ending up together in a decade, but who knows, it could have been quite a torch held :) I figure after a couple years the idea of a relationship usually passes along, then again different people are free to go about their lives anyway they choose.
There is much to your wanting to see a person's character before starting a relationship and bringing them close. It's kind of like kicking the tires on a car beforehand. I believe that 2 people can start hanging out with each other without totally expressing their sexual attraction. Some people just like a slow progression, or maybe it's just what they're used to and it's within their comfort zone. The relationship can grow over time, but yes you do run the risk of being friended if she's used to a faster progression. Either way someone still has to make the first move and it's usually gotta be the guy due to tradition and copping out.
I am by no means saying that a person can be judged on looks alone, and in fact I feel that most people who know they "hot" act in a way that quite effective repels people. As far as initiating an interaction, I feel that the best way is somehow get the point across, "I'm attracted to you for [reason] and I want to know if you're also a good person." Regardless of what comes out of a person's mouth, I feel that is the core of being attracted to someone else and people just have a hard time expressing it due to fear of rejection.
If you do go over to said Gorgeous and she's a crazy bitch, it won't matter how gorgeous she is, you'll be unattracted and turned off. Conversely having a great discussion with someone who isn't the next top model can make them more attractive to you.
BUT that's all a different subject for another time maybe :)
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@Sheena: The reasons you put them in the friend zone in the first place, were those reasons still present when you slept with them? Also was it a one-off thing or was it a relationship deal? Was it after they had gone away for a while and represented themselves upon return?
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@Sarah: I make no claims about characteristics about what attract people to others. Everyone has their own mental checklist as far as what is an ideal mate/lover/toy. The qualities you mentioned are are fine qualities for people to have.
I was just talking about whether or not they made the steps and took the actions to let you know that they were interested. If they put themselves out there, then good. If you weren't interested, you weren't interested. Rejection sucks and they'll get over it :)
I didn't mean that stating your desire will exempt you from the friend zone, I mean more that guys are more in control of being put in the friend zone than they realize.
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@H55: No, but I'll go look for it and check it out. I hope my lack of watching the show doesn't lessen the effect of the article though.
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@Oom: I can't tell if you're sad about my observation or making fun of me, but I tend to give people the benefit of doubt and so I'll assume the former.
Yeah it sucks, but on the upside ending up with a lot of female friends can give you a lot of insight to the female mind. Plus if you're out with a bunch of girls, it will attract other girls. Hell get your friends to introduce you to someone new. Being approached by an unknown female is infinitely less intimidating/ wary-causing than being approached by an unknown guy.
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@Centro: I'm not sure exactly what you mean about not having a friend zone. If a woman has a small friend zone then that suggests that it has a finite size and therefore exact number of people who can be in it. I don't believe that at all. I think that women are more fluid in that they take emotion more into account than men do. Women take how people make them feel into account along with what they think about them. They respond to those emotions and thoughts and treat people accordingly. This doesn't leave room for "Maximum of X people are in my friend zone." Besides, it's more of a label than a list or place.
I cannot see how women can be placed on a singular spectrum, could you please rephrase that?
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@0fuck life0: Leaving the situation is always an option. However if you are not too emotionally invested in the idea of a relationship, a friendship can work.
But again, if you cannot honestly be an honest friend, then yeah you should definitely leave. If you say you're a friend and you're secretly pining after her, then you're misrepresenting yourself and I believe that is dishonest.
Centropomus said, (85 days ago)
Women lay on several spectra. The tendency to put guys in the friend zone is just one of them.
Grrrr. Arrrgh. said, (85 days ago)
@Dr.Awkward: *Let me respond to you comment. My entry was about 300-400 words. If that's too long, your attention span sucks. You could have just skipped my topic and flirted with Hena elsewhere. Please keep that in mind for the future.
______
Let me get this straight. You saw the length of my post and felt it upon yourself to come in here and tell me that it was in fact too long for you to read and you didn't read it.
I appreciate whatever sentiment that was suppose to get across if one existed but I don't get it.
Also, you saw Hena already write it as well so.. maybe in case I didn't see the First Comment in my thread, you thought I'd somehow see yours. Fine. But given that you already saw Hena's comment before you started to write yours, then catch yourself in the middle of typing it, cut yourself off, and you post anyway?
How..Awkward.
So you want attention from either me or Hena? Either way, please keep my threads, if not on topic, at least relevant to something.
I'd go on but I'd probably get a repeat performance.
________
*this part was actually the last paragraph but in case you'd once again reply "tl;dr," I wanted to make sure you got at least this.
Xenu said, (85 days ago)
There is definitely a vast difference between genuinely being someone's friend and being someone's friend in the hope that they will someday realize you love them, etc etc. Great post; I agree wholeheartedly.
Broken-hearted boys complaining about snotty bitches, take heed: it HURTS when you find out that someone has been hanging out with you for months (or YEARS) just to get into your pants and, in fact, never had any genuine interest in spending time with you.
Naturelle Rivera said, (85 days ago)
You can be in MY friend zone. Wink wink.
Today is the day I flirt with Dr. Awkward in every thread, apparently.
0guninnayouface0 said, (83 days ago)
I think it's been forgotten that sometimes, we don't HAVE intentions of dating someone at first, and fall for them overtime.
(granted, I no longer understand how that happens. . .but it has. . so. ?!?!)
It's not always the "be her friend for the sole purpose of getting into her pants" route.
but ya know, stereotypes exist because there's truth in them.
tl;dr