seeking advice from boys.

this is because tonight i have a second chance with the anthropologist, whom many of you know is the boy i most want on my to-do list and --oh bitter irony of life! -- seem least likely to get.

If the "Want to come back to my place?" approach doesn't work, nothing will. Other approaches will just take longer to not work.

Invite him over for movies. Everyone knows what that means.

@namrock: it's just that in this case the 'wanna come back to my place' thing might feel like it came out of nowhere.

i mean, we are going out for pastrami sandwiches at katz's delicatessen, for god's sake.

I donno, I usually say stuff like "You know, I don't feel like calling it a night yet, want to go get coffee/see a movie/go somewhere and talk/go for a walk/make something up" and if I'm feeling it, transition things over to "Lets go back to my place"

Be kind and honest.

Really. If they won't respond to that, then they aren't worth it.

ok, honest i get. but kind? where does that come into play? i mean, i always nice and kind, but...

@bsae: it seems like it should be that easy, doesn't it? and yet...it doesn't feel that way.

maybe it's because I'M too angsty.

he's totally not in love with me. nor i with him. we just like each other. which is why i think sex before i leave forever is a GREAT idea. but for some reason i seem to think he won't feel it is...

i'm thinking maybe i will do a pre-pastrami shot. courage and all.

well, i had to have *some* way of luring him out tonight, right?

interesting tactic...

xenu? care to explain?

uh-oh. perhaps i need to also be careful with the amount of silver i wear. which you know can be quite a bit.

i was just going to suggest makeouts. that's a good way of pushing the issue a bit

which of course it shouldn't be, especially seeing how as he ALWAYS kisses me on the lips hello and goodbye...

Once you make out and its good, you can just proceed from there.

also, don't let him sleep over if you want to keep it casual

well, last time the place we had dinner was right near his place so my plan was to invite myself over but...after the walk in the park he said i'll walk down with you so i didn't really have a chance.

oh, did i mention the anthropologist has MAJOR self-esteem issues?

i know. this guy is a mess. you are wondering why the hell i like him. i can't really say. i just do.

That's just it:

With people who have major self esteem issues, you really do have to be perfectly clear. Precisely so.

Because they will not believe you, otherwise. They will have trouble believing you anyway, so be prepared to convince them a little bit.

1. At deli, say "ooh, I forgot my_______" and create need for the two of you to return to your place to fetch it.

2. Arrive at said place, where you have strategically arranged the things that make you awesome in clear view (good books on coffee table; cool statue you got in Ecuador; whatever).

3. Proclaim "oh my god! I have to call ______. Is it okay if you hang out while I do so?" then he has time to investigate your awesome while you "chat"

4. He recognizes awesome and is reluctant to leave and then you just chill and let things happen.

there. you get lucky and build the necessary foundation of lies and artifice that is the key to any future relationship between the two of you

>;)

@purl: the perfect foundation of lies and artifice!

@superion: um, what was that about honesty?

In that case, you just need to be direct.

It takes cajones..you might have problems with awkwardness, but the worst case scenario is not really truly that bad is it?

hey, I've fallen for that one enough to know its efficacy rate.

I just have a personal rule that says I won't lie to get laid.

I've had to give up some sex, but I'm pretty sure the payoff was worth it.

What I know is, if someone said "GET THEM PANTS OFF NOW, BOY! MOMMA NEEDS LOVIN'!"

I'd be naked in 5 seconds.

ok, it appears 'get them pants off now, boy! momma needs lovin'!' is a winner...

he did sound really disappointed and asked if we could meet over the weekend (weekend = good, yes? except that i'm busy...) or possibly next week.

so i responded with my potentially available dates and added this:

"or, we can pretend we are in high school and you can invite me over where you're babysitting and i'll bring pastrami sandwiches and we can watch a movie or something..."

Nicely played.

which, ahem, bears repeating to my friend purl:

Osteocephalic said, (3 hours ago)

Invite him over for movies. Everyone knows what that means.

@-j.: well, maybe. but so you're saying you think i made my, uh, offer pretty obvious?

@catlady: I think "pretend we are in high school" is pretty much a dead giveaway.

ok, y'all ready to pick apart his response with me?

"I'm not sure I should be a bad babysitter : ) But I am free Sunday (all day) and Monday (evening) both. Want to to pick?"

@j: really? even if you are an angsty and confused south african anthropologist whose self-esteem issues might prevent you from knowing how sexy certain women actually find you?

Despite my legendary romantic ineptitude I am still going to offer advice herein.

As someone with a considerable deficit of self-esteem I will confirm Superion's assessment that you need to make your intentions and desires not just clear but flagrant as you will need to overcome both suspicion and disbelief to get what you want. Hint's won't work. No-one likes hints anyway; subtlety is annoying in this context. Having said that, if you don't want to drop "Hey, I've an idea; lets fuck!" into sandwich-shop conversation, you could try a procession of devious persuasion.

1. During your hello kiss, add a little pressure and pout and hold for a second longer than normal. Maybe do that double hand-holding, smiling thing after too, to demonstrate exuberance at spending time with him. Obviously the opportunity for the latter may not present itself though but it might be worth keeping in mind.

2. Flirt moderately, but not outrageously. Make him comfortable with enthusiasm, but not wary.

3. Steer conversation toward some fabulous item that you have at your place that you have at your place that he MUST see, or a book he really should borrow, or that you'd like to give to him as a gift as you really don't know when you'll get a chance to see him again. "I have something I'd like to give to you, back at my place." is pretty good in the double entendre stakes if you ask me.

4. Have a little packing disarray at your apartment to steer the action to your tiny, cosy sofa. I'm just assuming you have a tiny cosy sofa, if not substitute a suitably intimate alternate setting.

5. Ply with wine, coffee, keep him talking, move in at your leisure. He may protest in some nervous fashion about practicality or some other nonsense, but you should probably just ignore this, take charge and be persistent and soon enough his libido should slap some sense into his befuddled rationale. With low-self esteem he should be kind of a pushover.

6. Proceed with conquest.

7. Brand him with your mark, notch the bedpost, smoke a victory cigar.*

*optional.

Incidentally, while this may give unfavorable insight into the inner workings of my mind, it's not demonstrable of any tactics or strategies I might personally employ. I don't really have the aptitude, or the opportunity, to be devious in this fashion.

You could respond back that he "need not be a bad babysitter; you can be bad enough for the both of you." but that might a little too overt. Your offer was a good one and elicited a fair response for a timid man. I assume he's somewhat timid. Go for the Monday night slot and force his hand on after dark activity. Sunday could easily be too polite and friendly to go anywhere lusty.

This guy sounds a little... well... I dunno.

I'd take Sunday, start early.

@make art: yeah, more than a little too overt. i guess he's somewhat timid. i was pleased enough with his response as well. and realize that you are, yet again, absolutely right. monday is much better for lust!

but with a glimmer of hope, yes, art. he's not blowing me off entirely...

well, he wasn't actually timid when we were dating, come to think of it. but yeah, now circumstances have changed.

he should realize that of course i still want him: *he's* the one who dumped *me!*

He might think you pity him, or want to literally remain friends.

well, i kind of feel like the 'i'm leaving the country and so are you and we may never see each other again' thing puts everything in a different light. or at least should.

i'm sure he doesn't think i pity him. a) there's really nothing to pity and b) he rejected me, remember?

Seize the day or any other desirable object *ahem*

Just kiss the poor bastard, I say.

but i find that unless there has been flirting of an extremely overt kind you run the risk of taking the person by surprise by just issuing your invitation mid-pastrami, so to speak.

so yeah. i need to just plant one on him.

keeping make art's advice in mind.

Yeah, but I talk a good game.

Plus I've advised you how best to seduce an awkward man with low self-esteem who's not good with hints. I think I'm more than adequately qualified to help you here.

I am amused that Make Art (correctly) assumes Catlady is possessed of a small, cozy sofa.

i meant to correct that earlier.

it can sleep a consumator in the 6-foot height range. how small can it be?