i need serious advice.

i have this exboyfriend. we broke up two years ago, i haven't seen him at all in over a year, and i haven't spoken, emailed, or texted him in at least 8 months.

and yet he continues to call, email, and text me- on my cell, in my office. he alternates between random texts about how he misses me or picture messages of flowers (?) and hateful comments about how i am a pissy bitch because i won't talk to him and how "our paths will cross again" and wouldn't i "rather have it on good terms than bad"?

before i stopped talking to him i asked him REPEATEDLY to leave me alone- saying that the only way i could possibly ever be friends with him would be a lengthy no-contact period. he doesn't get it. he doesn't understand that by continually reaching out to me he's making it worse. he has no concept of the fact that his behavior is erratic and troubling.

so here's the thing- i REALLY don't want to change my number because that upends my whole life. besides, he still has my office number and email.

but i also cannot seem to "heal" the wounds he made in me because he continually re-injures them.

it's been suggested that i contact his parents and ask them to speak to him. is that a good idea? what else can i do?

Honestly, the parent thing isn't a bad idea if you were on good terms with them and they're not the sort to agree with/support their child regardless.

I almost went down the path he's on with my ex from my undergrad. That was honestly the plan for about two weeks, and my dad (and other friends) helped me see clearly. If you have mutual friends (who are more your friends than his friends), talk to them first. But keep the parent option in mind.

He's well meaning... or at least, he thinks he is. That doesn't make it okay. But it will make him hard to dissuade. Good luck with this.

I've become really good friends with a girl I briefly dated. One reason it didn't work out between us was that she wasn't over her ex. They got back together for awhile. Long story short, when he started the threaten suicide, she called his bluff and called his family. It worked, and he left her along for awhile.

I tell the story not to say "you should call his parents." But more to suggest that you need a REAL GOOD REASON to involve the family, because they're not going to want to take your side. Nobody wants to believe their sun is a douchebag. If you're going to win them over, make sure your argument is rock solid.

When was the last time you responded to him? Blocking/ignoring is probably the best solution. I wouldn't recommend contacting his parents as that will likely just bring more complications into the situation. If the blocking/ignoring solution doesn't work after a month or so, then you might have to take more drastic actions. Restraining orders are difficult in this situation because he lives too far away to have it delivered and/or enforced.

I have/had other friends in this same situation and it really sucks. Fucking crazy people.

@soulcamp: i haven't responded since late november or early december. he really just doesn't get it.

he contacts me at minimum 5 times a week- sometimes texting then calling my cell then calling my office then texting again all in a row.

I suggest writing him one short, sweet, yet STERN email telling him that you have moved on, it is in both of your best interests not to have contact with each other, he should respect that and especially the fact that contacting you at work is unacceptable. he will respond but ignore him after that and continue to. block him anyway you can.

HOPEFULLY, he will get bored and stop trying to contact you. If he persists then maybe it is best to bring in a third party (parents). He is lurking on you, sees how happy, gorgeous and successful you are and that is hot bait for these lame exes. I did this and my psycho ex has luckily left me alone for a while but then contacted a mutual friend of ours asking about me. UGH. So gross. Hopefully he will get the picture and doesn't get even more psycho. :(

And to echo PT, make sure people know he gets nothing. I had another friend (yes, I know how to pick 'em) that had to deal with crazy abusive ex. When she changed her number, she had to read her younger sister the riot act because she almost gave it to the ex (younger sister and ex remained close friends).

I disagree with AL, if you have already made clear that you don't want to hear from him (which it seems you have).

Calling his parents seems like a bad idea though, unless it gets to a crisis point.

What's the legal standard for harassment? If he's calling your workplace/you 5x a week, that might be enough to have a restraining order.

@superion: oh, this definitely meets the legal standard for harassment. but who's going to enforce the judgment or restraining order?

Well, it sounds like your options are limited. If you have already CLEARLY told him to stop contacting you, then I don't think contacting him again is going to help. Neither will contacting his parents, for reasons already described by others. Even in the rare case that his parents think he's doing something wrong, the chances are that he won't respond to them either.

You could probably file for a restraining order based on harassment. However, this is going to be difficult and costly considering he is not local. However, you might *try* contacting him one more time and let him know that if he doesn't cease-and-desist immediately, you are going to file a criminal restraining order against him for harassment anyway. It's worth a shot, unless you think that will make him get more crazy or violent.

Short of that (and the inability by your phone companies to block him), your best bet is probably to change your number, unfortunately. However, this will not stop him from continuing to harass you at work or via email or other forms of communication.

:-[

One more thing - if you know any lawyers, see if you can have them send him a letter on their letterhead stating your intention to pursue criminal and civil actions pertaining to his harassment. That might add a little more reality for him, as well as not look like the request is coming directly from you.

@Superion: (caveat all of this with the statement that while I have a law degree, this shouldn't be seen as legal advice [have to say that or I get screwed by the ethics board])

It isn't that there is no enforcement. it is just that enforcement is really hard. the reason more people don't get restraining orders is that they don't want to go through the hassle of the judicial process.

Think of it this way. The best case is that you get someone that would be deterred by getting a TRO. You go through process once, and you never have to worry about it again. The worst case is that you're dealing with a nutjob who will either (1) ignore the TRO or (2) let it make him more angry and determined. A lot of people fear, rightly or wrongly, that their crazy stalkers will fall into the later category. And if they do, there's lots of process to go through.

Here, a TRO might be harder to get since she doesn't fear for her life or safety, which a lof of jurisdictions use as the standard. She'd likely have a case in tort against him (one of the emotional distress ones, harassment, etc), or, depending on certain statutes, a criminal case.

There are legal cases pertaining to cyber stalking, and I would assume that the same case could be made for phone stalking.. you should have his number blocked ASAP with your personal phone companies, however, I'm not sure this is possible with business lines - and would you really want to get your bosses/companies involved?

As it happens, when I was a teenager I spurned the affection of a boy, and he took to calling our house line (only one we had at the time) repeatedly with his computer (could hear the modem trying to connect).. we took action through the phone company and they sent a cease and desist letter. He didn't, and the phone company pressed charges.

Fortunately, the FBI and the Federal Marshals don't have any of these pesky jurisdiction problems.

@souly: not true.. the cyber stalking cases I was referring to were handled by the FBI.

http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/47/usc_sec_47_00000223----000-.html

Interesting. I had thought it was limited to just obscenity. Turns out I was wrong.

Based on what @H55 just posted, I take that back.

@souly: actually.. this one case was all in cali.. she was in la, he was in sf.. there were terroristic threats, however - I"M GONNA KILL YOU and all that.

this is all very interesting. i really appreciate any and all advice.

Where exactly does he live? I bet there are internet people there that could take care of your problem.

also i forget who asked but i have verizon.

Have you called verizon to ask them to block it?

I say give him another chance.

Send him a letter by certified mail informing him that you consider his actions to be harassing, and that if he does not cease and desist attempting to contact you, you will pursue all legal options at your disposal to compel him to comply with your wishes. Make sure to note that you expect no response to this letter, and will consider the certified mail receipt to be his acknowledgment.

You could also get a lawyer to send him a nastygram to this effect. If you happen to be friends with one, they'll probably send the nastygram for free. Otherwise you'll probably have to pay a couple hundred dollars.

talk to a lawyer. do you live near a university with a law school? if so, you could probably find someone through there who wouldn't charge you.

@tiff: he lives in connecticut. WITH HIS MOM.

i guess i will try the certified/legal letter. maybe he will get it.

i really don't want to change numbers, but i guess a change in provider might work... though i love verizon.

SIGH. look at what he's done to me!

It sucks that this is still going on for you. I suggest the restraining order. Even though he is not close to you physically he is still harrassing you.
My restraining order was based off of harrassing phone calls and emails. It was the fact that he broke the temperary order with a threatening email that got the order solidified.
It is a lot of work and costs $75 but let me tell you from personal experience, having three years of no contact without consiquences worked. The order ended almost two months ago and there hasn't been a peep from said person.

No phone number change or email change necessary!

Also, when I was younger, my mom put a restraining order on my dad because he was harrassing us over the phone and in person. Once the restraining order was placed, he backed off physically but was still contacting us from different phone numbers. We ended up tracing the phone calls to prove he was the one harrassing us and he ended up in jail for five months.

Restraining orders ARE a lot of work and should be used as a kinda last resort type of deal, but even if he's not physically harassing you, there are still severe consequences that he could face.

He was in state, so there is a difference in that. The monies I spent were seeing a paraleagal, I suggest you do that because that person will tell you which way to go about this. They will help to draw forms and tell you what kind of case you have.

I was going over my papers last weekend because mine just ended and there are several options on what and how the harrassment is taking place.

I looked the paraleagal up in the phonebook and just started calling. I went with the first one since I had no real experience until I started doing it.

My real advise is to take to anyone you know about where to go as far as court.

I choose a court that would be a little more slack on how they hand those things out because we knew that the other one would tell me to take a hike.