First assignment for the socially awkward/shy.
http://antisocialnetworking.uber.com/blogs/Talk_to_Strangers.html
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23 commentsReplies
mikkoman said, (152 days ago)
Meanwhile, on my OKCupid profile, not talking isn't awkward enough! I am too shy to even open my eyes.
http://www.okcupid.com/journal?pid=1493532344062268609&tuid=2213461974948717633
ABoyNamedArt said, (152 days ago)
I see where Branwell's coming from. A good compromise suggestion, besides waitstaff, might be bartenders. Their job, after all, is to help one feel comfortable at the bar. And it benefits you as a customer to engage them in some good conversation, as the barkeep can introduce you to other folks, or give you the lay of the liquored land.
H55 said, (152 days ago)
@art: couldn't agree more. One of the most telling stories I've got involves me making friends with the bartender one New Year's Eve, and my friend completely ruining it for us.
slackmistress said, (152 days ago)
@Branwell: I'm not suggesting that you tell them your life story. You're right - that is putting them on the spot. (I think I say as much in the post.)
I'm suggesting you say "hello. How are you?" I'm suggesting "killer day, huh?" This not only teaches you a) how to make small talk but b) look for visual cues on when SMALL TALK SHOULD END (or continue!) Which is *incredibly* valuable.
And yes, there are people who don't do that. I deal with them all of the time!
@Art: Bartenders would fall under waitstaff/service/people paid to "be nice" to you. My thought is that few people go to bars alone, so you've got additional social lubrication (that "feeling comfortable in a small group" thing), but almost everyone grocery shops.
We're starting with baby steps, although having a local haunt (whether a bar/theatre/bowling alley/arcade/NAMBLA meeting) and having them introduce you around is a great suggestion.
More later, must sleep.
Branwell said, (152 days ago)
True. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if my awkwardness -- even when it was at its peak -- arose from different causes than other people's awkwardness. (I mean, I regularly monopolized classroom discussions, and I obviously have no trouble speaking publicly... it's just the social stuff that's given me trouble. And I think I'm usually pretty good with cues -- I've gotten better, but I've never been one of those people who just talks people into oblivion on a regular basis.)
But when I did start talking to strangers, I definitely began in social environments, with people who I could be sure were being polite to me voluntarily. Maybe just my thing -- I know I'm weird even for a weird guy!
Salomea said, (152 days ago)
Also, Art--I have very rarely met bartenders who seemed like they wanted to talk to you. To me, they always look busy and not-to-be-much-conversed-with. Where are these bars where the bartenders are happy to yap? They're usually trying to put together 3 drinks at once wherever I go...
H55 said, (152 days ago)
The move dive-y the bar, the more the bartender is willing to talk a bit with each drink. Then you build up a rapport, and talk more often with more drinks.
Salomea said, (152 days ago)
Yeah, I figure. It's not like I never talk to the bartenders--there was one place I used to frequent with rather a cute one that I did talk to--but even so, it was more of a "heya again, I like the new hair, have you seen this movie?" quick chat rather than any entry into conversation.
ABoyNamedArt said, (152 days ago)
Sal: Well, yeah, that's more along the lines of conversation I meant. As Slack said, it's about building small talk first, right? Once one becomes a regular, then conversation can move on.
Also, as Heraldic pointed out, usually the less "scene" a place is, the more likely the barkeeps will want to chat a bit.
slackmistress said, (152 days ago)
@salomea: Why do you feel left out?
@Branwell: But think about where you started and where you are now. It's leaps and bounds, yes?
nomi oh my said, (152 days ago)
The cashiers at Trader Joe's always ask how my day is. Do you think that's part of their training? Sometimes it annoys me, other times I'll gladly yap back until I'm walking away with my bags and a "have a good night!" I suppose it depends on mood.
The other day a crabby old lady was in front of me and was seriously taking 5 minutes to figure out how to use the swiper/data thing. I raised my brow but when it came my turn I said, "boy, she was a pill and a half..." It gave the poor checker a little giggle. Common observation/ in-joke sort of thing, you see.
Salomea said, (152 days ago)
I'm left out because I am not socially awkward in that wat, so I can't participate! I talk to people all over all the time anyway. Actually my friends tell me I am rude to people, but they like me anyway?
H55 said, (152 days ago)
I used to be incredibly socially awkward. Then I had a few roommates and friends that put me through Fun Boot Camp. Booze was involved. It all worked out.
ABoyNamedArt said, (152 days ago)
I feel like developing a schtick online helped me developed one off-line. That and, once you've been onstage in heels, it's hard to embarrass oneself, y'know?
slackmistress said, (151 days ago)
Art, you're a perfect example of a guy who was shining his awesomeness under a bushel...if that bushel was on stage in fishnets and heels. :)
Momi: I'm CONVINCED it is, as they're always super chatty. Although I got recognized by one of the people working there (nothing like "hey, are you the slackmistress?" when I've been up since 4:45am and am covered in bike oil! :)
Garak said, (151 days ago)
i've actually been doing this a lot more lately. i've become a more outgoing, particularly upon first meeting person. and it's served me reasonably well. i mean, sure, the occasional waitress has been like "uh, yeah, buddy, whatever, here's your soup". but in general, i've gotten good vibes off my good vibey-ness.
still aren't always uber-chatty upon first or 2nd meeting with girls-who-have-caught-my-eye, but what else is new. s'a horrible tell of mine... the more shy i am around you, that probably means i like you.
I respectfully disagree on one point here -- as someone who's a lot less socially awkward than he once was, I'm way more horrified at the thought of talking to, say, a cashier than I am at the thought of talking to a civilian. Here's my thought on the matter -- by talking to someone whose job it is to deal with you, you're putting that person on the spot. You're making that person feel like a jerk, and quite probably like an unprofessional jerk, if they don't want to talk to you. It feels like coercion.
And having been in the opposite situation -- a service industry employee whose customers occasionally felt the need to initiate a conversation -- I'd NEVER wish that on anyone, much less do it myself. And I'm saying that as a guy who's mostly cured -- as someone who has no trouble talking to strangers, as long as he's not in an unfamiliar room with dozens of them and no defensible reason to be there.
But then again, looking at it again, I'm not sure if you're asking people to initiate any kind of conversation extraneous to the business at hand, or if you're just asking people to say "hello" and "thank you" to a supermarket cashier or something. Because if it's the latter, that's a) perfectly reasonable, and b) a few steps more elementary than anything I could imagine anyone needing to overcome, so a) never mind and b) are there really people who can't even do that?