Splendid Candid Calends

An open letter to my zookeeper.

First, it is at best silly to require patrons to fill out this entire form. Just like making someone stand in line for no reason, this only serves to increase the ire of those wishing to offer feedback- I can attest that I am even more upset now than I was when I became infuriated enough to start writing. Secondly, although probably most importantly, I am currently in the zoo and it is ten-thirty am. I have seen about twelve animals, and about fifty zookeepers cleaning enclosures. It will be near one hundred degrees today, and my family was here at ten before nine. Why were these enclosures not cleaned before the zoo opened? Thirdly, while I admit the baby chimp and elephant are cute,  I must take exception to your 'zooseum's assertion that the old monkey island exhibit was remodeled in 1985, and that over the next 62 years, a variety of monkeys inhabited the new exhibit. If your facility is in possession of a working time machine, why on earth have you no tyrannosaurs? Fourthly, your trams are despicable. While the driver was genial and informative, the safety officer and indeed the tram rules leave much to be desired. Your vehicle tires are rubber and, although the simian time warping may have altered the local laws of electrodynamics, thus they are presumably electrically grounded. Even if they were not, I am perplexed by the regulation that declares that trams must stop, motor running, in the scorching sunlight for a full ten minutes whenever someone hears the slightest rumble of distant thunder. How can your staff have mastered the intricacies of science necessary to bend space and time to your will, and yet possess seeming total ignorance of the existence of Internet radar? That policy will, I suspect, expose the zoo to more liability than would driving the additional thirty seconds required to allow riders some shade. Fifthly, and speaking of heat prostration, are you aware that your vending machines give change in dollar coins that they do not accept? So, when our family wanted to reduce our core temperatures after six hundred blistering seconds, we were able to purchase but a single drink to share among the ten of us. Has no one pointed out this glaringly inefficient impediment to your collection of revenues? I could go on, and on, and on. But already this diatribe has caused me to miss the gorillas, the giraffes, the geese, the groundhogs, and if I continue to write I will not see a single animal beginning with g, nor very possibly with h, i, or  j. Since you have no koalas, kippers, krill, or killer whales, the letter k isn't looking good either. The petting zoo had better be amazing. P.E.G. Posted 34 days ago | 4 comments

An open letter to the local newspaper

Dear sirs/mesdames, I'm sure many readers contact you, frothing at the mouth and out of breath from typing so quickly, each time even the most harmless of typographical errors finds its' way through your filters, and I am one of them. Not to quibble, but pink-cheeked though they may be, I suspect that the motorcycle club featured in this morning's story are in fact 'rogue' and not 'rouge' as you have them described. I hope my quibbling about a few transposed letters will not cause you to feel that I'm anything but concerned that leather-wearing, hog-riding, tertiary-hyphenation-confounding persons may have been responsible for crime, mayhem, and bloodshed in our area- it's just funny to think that they may be wearing makeup while engaging in these misbehaviors. Thank you for your time, Paul Edward Glott Posted 34 days ago | 0 comments