Distracted.

Dear N:

Every day I pray that you realize how much I think about you, how much I want to love you. I also pray that I find newer and better ways of loving you, even as I get ready to let go.

It feels like you've found someone or something. It feels like you're happy.

I'm miserable. I feel like I squandered an opportunity. And yet - I "squandered" it because I was hoping for some success in something. Maybe my website would take off; maybe more people as opposed to the ones I knew already would contact me and let me work with them; maybe more of the dissertation would get done nicely.

I was waiting for anything good to happen in my life that could let me say "hey, I'm doing something with my time that's productive, now let me find you."

I was also waiting to see if you'd make a move. Hahahahahaha I should have known better. You've got plenty of guys all over you, and I can't blame you for that.

I dunno. I'm proud of the poem I wrote you. I truly want to be your best friend so I can love you all the more. Yes, I think of you in that way. But I'm also thinking 10,20,30 years beyond. We've known each other a while now and I still don't feel you're open. And I want you to know you can trust me.

I'm going to stop ranting now and do the things I've been doing. I probably need you a lot more than you need me.

AK