Chris Thile vs. Robert Pattinson

There comes a time when men must be men: I hereby challenge that vampire dude to a bite/mandolin-off. Whatcha say, Robbie? Thile kicks off a fierce Brilliancy, but what's this? Pattinson takes a chaw out of the fingerboard at the 4th fret...no more C#s or G#s! But only in first position on the A and E strings!! Thile takes advantage of the oversight and begins jumping the octave where necessary... ...unphased, Pattinson shoots one of his pattinted "I'm dangerous but sensitive" looks at Thile, who promptly vomits all over his mandolin! Gasping for air, Thile tries to counter with his infamous "I'm trying to look sexy in a Nickel Creek music video" face! Pattinson vomits... ...but so does Thile!! "HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE LET ME LOOK LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC!!!" he wails. Moved, Pattinson tries to console him... IT'S A TRICK!! Thile wallops Pattinson with the business end of #75316, sending a pair of fangs and shards of wood sailing across the room! My God!! The violent dismissal of the fake fangs have revealed (oh yeah...dig that sick Linkin Park jam revving up in the background)... We interrupt this feed to bring you an important announcement from its beleaguered editor: The last "have" should've been "has." I'm sorry. "OK, cue the Linkin Park." "Ah, c'mon...really?" "Damn it, Figgins, do as your told! Nothing says darkness like mall rock." And we're back! ...ACTUAL FANGS (or perhaps just slightly pointy lateral incisors. Let's go with fangs, shall we?)!! Pattinson is a vampire FOR REALS!! His Loar somewhere between mandolin and sawdust, Thile has nothing with which to combat the hissing, snarling, and mega-pissed Pattinson... ..except a bloodcurdling solo a cappella rendition of "Young," one of the more gruesome skeletons rattling around in Thile's musical closet! Pattinson's hisses and snarls turn to screams that make those of the damned sound like postcoital sighs..."NOOOOO!! The lyrics are SO BAD!" "Haha!!" Thile cackles, now scatting the riff he wrote 10 years ago whilst apparently under the impression that he was trying out for Petra. The thought of vampiric life eternal in a world where such abuse of music is tolerated - nay, rewarded - is more than Pattinson can bear! Desperate to save himself from Thile's aural assault by any means necessary, Pattinson grabs the severed headstock of the Loar-cum-club... In the blink of an eye, Pattinson fang-fashions its point into a spear, and with inhuman strength drives it clean through his black heart! "Young and with n--" Thile finally falls silent, and not a moment too soon. Another word and his soul would surely have been lost forever! With Pattinson vanquished, he's free to be told he looks like the older brother from Malcom In the Middle again. Victory, but at what cost? The End. Posted 58 days ago | 4 comments